By Steven Snyder

It’s a conversation I’ve had often over the past few months:
“Have you seen ‘Charlie’s Angels 2?’”
“Yep, you?”
“Yeah. Why do they make movies that bad?”
“You just answered your own question.”

If we would all suck it up and refuse to see horrible films like “Bad Boys II,” “Charlie’s Angels 2” and “Gigli,” studios would stop making this crap. Hollywood is an industry based exclusively on dollars. But instead, people see the ads, do what they’re told, and even the likes of “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” opens with receipts of $37 million in its first weekend.

2003, so far, is the worst movie year I can remember. Almost every summer, there is one, fluff film I regard as the season’s winner. Last year, it was “The Bourne Identity,” the year before “The Fast and the Furious.”
This year I am at a loss. There is nothing, zilch, nadda. The summer’s winner was “Seabiscuit,” without a doubt. But that was a drama, and hardly something one would consider fluff. And I have to go back as far as May 15, to “The Matrix Reloaded,” to find a film that would be considered fine “lighter” entertainment.

Will this year get better? The outlook is bleak, but only time will tell. At the very least, the final films in the “Lord of the Ring” and “Matrix” trilogies will inject some excitement into theaters.

All pessimism aside, here are some special awards for this summer’s blasé spectacles:

Best kiss: The intimate and subdued embrace at the end of “Raising Victor Vargas.” One of the best films of the year, “Vargas” only showed in Milwaukee theaters for one week, but is now thankfully available on video and DVD. It is a movie about two New York teenagers who slowly learn to trust each other, and its climax is a near-silent moment more sweet and tender than anything Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock has produced in years.

Worst romance: “Gigli.” I wanted to punch Affleck and laugh at Lopez. Did anyone actually want them to get together?

Most offensive: “My Boss’s Daughter.” Tell me if any of this sounds funny: A cripple talks about his erections. A fat black boy hangs himself. A woman with an injured head has her wound open up and start dripping. A mafia hood urinates in a family’s living room. No? I don’t think so either.

Best audience: “28 Days Later.” The crowd had showed up to get scared and see something unique, and that’s exactly what this surprisingly intelligent and stylized zombie movie had in store. Women actually screamed.

Biggest disappointment: “Terminator 3.” “T2” was so much more than just a run-of-the-mill action film. “T3” worked so hard to just be that.

Most overrated: “Finding Nemo.” Yes, the film’s cute, it’s cuddly and it’s something the entire family can see together. But it’s also a story that’s been done better before, and one that embraces simple, washed-out, sappy sentiment over originality. It was a good children’s film, but hardly a great work of art.

Movie I’ve seen the most: “The Matrix Reloaded.” Some may have considered it a disappointment, but as an action film, it doesn’t get much better than this. Dizzying special effects, perfectly-choreographed action sequences, an intricate and intelligent story to follow and the best car chase ever put to film; what more could summer movie audiences hope for?

Most shameless product placement: Jeep in “Lara Croft.” As Croft arrives in Africa, she parachutes into a moving Wrangler which then goes on a lengthy joy ride, accompanied by some forgettable pop music. All that’s missing is the Jeep logo in big, bright white letters in the frame’s corner and a narrator bragging about its superb handling and traction.

Most disturbing audience moment: I watched a guy open his cell phone during a movie, answer a call, talk for two minutes while in his seat, and then angrily hang up when his girlfriend jabbed him in the ribs. I love this woman.

3 WORD MOVIE REVIEWS:

“X-Men 2”
3 stars
Angry mutants, better sequel.

“The Matrix Reloaded”
4 stars
Exhilarating! Best car chase ever.

“Finding Nemo”
3 stars
Cute fish fable stays shallow.

“The Hulk”
3 stars
Film’s style gives Greeny character.

“Charlie’s Angels 2”
1.5 stars
Uh-oh. Feminism circa 1880.

“Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde”
2.5 stars
Stupid blonde jokes ring true

“Terminator 3”
2.5 stars
Gov. saves the day...again.

“Pirates of the Caribbean”
2.5 stars
More Depp, please!

“Seabiscuit”
3.5 stars
Long shot wins big.

“Gigli”
1 star
Couple’s crappy chemistry. Gobble, Gobble.

“Open Range”
3 stars
Guns, women, horizons, revenge, Duvall
OR
Shootouts, Duvall: The western’s back!

“American Splendor”
3.5 stars
Rejects of the world unite!
OR
A nobody’s time to shine