Truer words were never uttered by an American President. After all, as more and more people become unemployed, out of work and undereducated we must facilitate the flow of porn as quickly and easily as possible. After all, once our societal tolerance for abnormalities like homosexuality disappears these people will have to turn someplace. The internet seems a logical place for all the unpatriotic Americans that disagree with our President to turn to. We don’t want them and their terrorist friends crowding up the mainstream media. And lets not forget all of our soon to be deported friends from terrorist states. Once they arrive in their home countries and obtain new jobs in oil processing facilities, we will need a way to contact them.

Perhaps we truly have found a solution to all our problems. Through Broadband Internet millions who can’t afford to go to a college that has to invest millions in professors and facilities and simply get their degree ‘quickly and easily at home, and with no tests!” Through online pharmacies (but not the ones in Canada) much needed prescription drugs will be dispensed without a costly exam. Access to the medical journals and other less formal means of medical education will allow people without health insurance to perform major medical operations at home with a knife and fork.

Broadband internet will also allow the millions of legions of Rush Limbaugh to subscribe to Rush 24-7 and watch his Ditto cam to finally learn the intricacies of illegally smuggling prescription drugs. We’ll finally have much needed access to the depths of conservative talk radio that are sorely needed to show the millions of Americans without a job or health insurance how it’s really their fault and their sacrifices are needed in order to finance wars to keep oil cheap so the less fortunate lower-upper class can afford their SUV’s.

Cheap affordable internet should also solve the problem with the upcoming retirement boom. With stock tips from the “Apple Investment Company,” and solid investments in Dtomi we should all be able to day-trade our way to a comfortable dignified retirement.

The internet can also help eliminate any further need for public education. While inaccurate scientific journals may not be available on the internet, the full text of the bible is readily available. And the social sciences can simply be replaced with a few hours of conservative radio.

We do, however, face many challenges with more of America on the Internet. Like China, I’m sure we will have to make sure that news from those unpatriotic news sources like Al Jazzeera, NPR, Al Mannarah, the BBCNews and the Moscow Times are properly censored. Plus, we will need to make sure that small software companies like Microsoft aren’t hurt by the introduction of confusing Linux based operating systems developed by companies outside of the United States. Plus we will have to make sure that parental controls are available so parents can shield their kids from the forbidden sexual pleasures as well as pollution reports and doctored photos of ‘starving’ kids in places like ‘Little Rock’ and ‘Chicago’. And we certainly need to make sure that once a girl is pregnant she must not learn there are other options besides immediately marrying her belligerent boyfriend and spending the next 50 years miserable. After all, she had her chance not to have sex. I also assume that NASA will ensure that when it discovers evidence of life on Mars, the information is quickly removed from the internet until a human being can be sent to negate this.

Yes my friends the solutions to America’s problems do not lie in job creation, fostering educational opportunities or a solid foreign policy based on co-operation, the solution lies in subsidizing billion dollar companies like AOL/Time Warner (soon to be Microsoft/AOL) to provide broadband cable based internet in the household of every American.

That and magic beans.

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