| A
variety of horrible poisonous spiders get exposed to a noxious chemical
which causes them to grow to monumental proportion.[TRAILER]
STEVEN
SNYDER'S REVIEW
On the poster for "Eight
Legged Freaks," next to a picture of an oversized spider and a screaming
man, reads the line, "Let the squashing begin!" It's an absurd,
but hilariously appropriate tagline. At the very least, the campy "Freaks"
deserves points for honesty.
It is a throwback to the B-horror films of the '50's or '60's, when the
horror genre still tried to be fun. In such films, there was always a
similar formula: some big monster, some defenseless people, a beautiful
woman always looking impeccable, a few explosions, silly special effects,
and, occasionally, some suspense worthy of a scream or two.
Those were the true popcorn films, fun rides until the end. "Eight
Legged Freaks," at times, is equally intoxicating.
The freaks of "Eight Legged Freaks" are, you guessed it, huge,
hairy, jumping spiders, "freaky" thanks to some spilled nuclear
waste. Hey, it's not Shakespeare, but it doesn't need to be.
We first see these freaks in Taft's Exotic Spider Farm, being fed mutated
insects from a pond affected by the above-mentioned contaminants. Young
Mike Parker (Scott Terra) is learning about these spiders, and his knowledge
of these arachnid adversaries will be crucial to the town's survival as
the mutants grow and grow.
No character, however, really gets all that much screen time in "Eight
Legged Freaks." It is not about the people being chased, or really
even about the mutant spiders giving chase. The magic here is that campy
exhilaration found only in the absurd.
The film's first half has fun with the hickish population of Prosperity,
Arizona, caught unaware as these oversized spiders descend on their city.
One cannot help but giggle as these dopes see a huge hole in their basement,
and decide to go check it out.
But such decisions fit "Eight Legged Freaks." This is actually
a film where a miner, losing water pressure, sucks on the end of the hose
to clear the obstruction. Know what pops into his mouth? Spiders. Or,
take the remodeled home, where a cat gets lost in fresh drywall only to
be attacked by something that pulls it up the walls and into the ceiling.
Know the culprit? Spiders. Then there's the Ostrich farm attacked by,
yep, spiders.
If you were looking for surprises, let's face it, you wouldn't be seeing
"Eight Legged Freaks" to begin with.
The second half of this epic focuses on these nitwits as they hold up
in an area mall. They arm themselves with anything they can find (pitchforks,
chainsaws, tennis rackets, etc.) and attempt to call outside for help.
Oh, the phone lines have been cut too. Did I forget to mention that?
But as funny as the film's skits are, as goofy as the spiders become with
looney tune voices and their own breed of slapstick, "Eight Legged
Freaks" just isn't zany enough.
The laughs are interrupted a little too often by bland, distracting subplots
about a corrupt politician and an undiscovered treasure. Some of the action
scenes seem a little too stylized and refined to match the film's campy
premise. Believe it or not, the big, bad spiders get a bit old.
I left wondering if "Eight Legged Freaks" would have benefited
from monsters a little more unique than spiders.
My runners-up would be llamas, hummingbirds, and ladybugs. My personal
pick, however, would be a flying squirrel. Wouldn't that be a sight: A
fleet of fifty-foot, menacing, flying squirrels?
 
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